you think this could be the end, and you'd still choose to spend that away from me? choose to let me lose you without a chance to be there, not even the opportunity to say goodbye?
( she may not see it that way, but isn't that what it boils down to? it was easier to accept when he thought it was only for short-term protection. it seems a crueler reality, now that he knows it's more than that. )
I would choose to protect you. I couldn't do that in Storybrooke, I can do that here. Chances are, this'll be fine. They'll find a cure, everyone will get better.
But if they don't, I can't cost you your life a second time.
if you believe that, it seems awfully odd to prepare for the end.
you're not protecting me from getting infected, or sparing me any risk. it's all around us, Emma, and you choosing to suffer alone doesn't protect me from all of Woodhurst.
I'd rather take the risk than let you go through this alone.
( as far as Graham is concerned, they've already talked a great deal. what more can he possibly say? she's made her choice, and his opinion on it doesn't mean enough to change her mind. he'd never try to control her, it just seemed to him that partners worked together, instead of splitting and running when things got difficult. and difficult they are, only they seemed better when they were together.
the lines of their cover story and their reality had a perilous habit of blending together. apparently even he had started to believe it was realer than it was.
he doesn't answer, he doesn't have anything left to offer to the conversation. the Huntsman has never been gifted at holding conversations when he doesn't like the topic, and saying he disliked their current conversation was a real understatement. for a heartless person who isn't meant to feel anything at all, it's pretty evident he's upset by the look on his face when he lets himself into the apartment that has been theirs. now he's not sure whose it is. at least Emma was true to her word, she hasn't left, it just doesn't make him feel much better.
with the possibility she could die, she would rather be away from him, even as he disowned the risk. it's her choice, of course it is. he just hates it. )
What is it you have for me? ( he's upset with her, but not even that is enough to ignore what she asked for. if she ends up being right about all this, he doesn't intend the last moments they have together to be stained any more than they already are. )
[ by the time Graham arrives, it looks like their apartment again. gone is the mess she'd made earlier in the afternoon in show of sheer frustration - an outburst, like the one she'd had at the station that had prompted an awareness of her condition. she's not violent now, but she won't pretend she's fully in control of herself either. it comes and it goes, bursts of emotion and desperation that make her feel like she's lost control of her own body.
he knows she's never hurt him. she knows she'd never hurt him, yet the things she'd do in her right mind don't fully apply here. it's not just that she's deteriorating, she's a threat to his safety.] I -
[ she thought if he could see her, he'd understand. he doesn't, not if the look he gives her on the way in is any indication. she reaches for a sealed manilla envelope on the coffee table before she stands, since he doesn't seem to be in the mood to talk. might as well give him what he wants and make it quick.]
I need you to hold on to this for me.
[ there's no explanation of why, he already knows. if she doesn't make it through this mission, or the next, or the one after that, there are things she'd like to be able to say to her family. inside the envelope are a few letters, including one for him.]
I'm not planning on dying here, Graham. But I've never had to face the possibility anywhere else the way I have to now.
( it isn't an easy expectation to wear, to be the deliverer of messages from someone past. he's not actually surprised by what she offers, though — her head is set on the possibility she might not make it through this, and she's making her preparations. he takes it without much comment. he's honestly a poor messenger, considering he can't deliver them particularly easily, yet she can at least rest a little easier knowing he'll do everything in his power to find a way, if it comes to that.
he'd rather not hear her reasoning anymore, now that he's so aware it's fixed and unchanging, no matter what he has to say on the matter. Graham does not have any interest in fighting, or arguing. that part of him had disappeared some thirty years ago, when he'd been willing to attack a man for dishonoring an animal in his presence.
it's a lot harder to be combative when it's Emma on the other side of it. )
People generally don't write their last testament unless they expect the worst, Emma. ( he doesn't want to hold onto her goodbye letters, knowing what they represent. he pulls open his coat to place them in a pocket instead. it's a little more bearable when he doesn't have to look at them. )
[ she'd argue that this isn't expecting the worst, it's more like bracing herself for it. if they can't find a cure fast enough, if she becomes a danger to someone else, if push comes to shove. she's watched members of their team take out groups of the infected with little to no concern for the person inside who's suffering from an illness. they have to protect the lives of the people who can be saved, and she gets it - she does. things don't look great for her right now.]
That's why I need you out there. If you're still fighting, then there's hope.
[ it won't comfort him, Emma's not so far gone that she can't see how this hurts him. it hurts her, too, but she thinks that just bleeds into everything else she's feeling; the anger, the disappointment, how all of her aches from trying to fight the virus. she'd rather be in his arms and she knows he's right - touch helps. all those nights they spent sharing a bed or a couch or a blanket on the floor, the mornings when she'd hit the snooze button to steal a few more minutes long after they were both awake; maybe all of that delayed this.
he's protected her for longer than he should have, a realization she's struggling with because she has to consider the possibility that he knew before she did. it's not the result that seems to surprise him, only what she's decided to do with it.]
I never wanted to ask this of you, but it had to be you. I trust you.
( in the end, the request to hold onto her goodbyes in the worst case scenario isn't what has him upset. very far from it; he'd never refuse her that, even if it was a heavy burden to carry for anyone. especially when he'd dedicate himself to getting her family those messages, despite the fact it'd be incredibly difficult for him to manage it. even if he could look her parents in the eye to explain, what was he going to be able to say?
when it came down to it, there was nothing he could do, and then he'd let her go to die alone. the Charmings were sure to appreciate that knowledge. )
Fighting for what? I'm not going to make you better by staying on the streets. There's nothing I can do for you if you run away from me. ( there's a surprising amount of raw emotion in his voice, considering he's not supposed to be able to have any. it's been a lingering, growing frustration, knowing exactly how little he was doing to help those suffering from Bristol. now he feels that incapacity even stronger. at least before, he could tell he'd helped Emma a little. once she was gone, there'd be nothing.
nothing but the reminder that she was choosing to protect him from herself, no matter how badly he did not want her to. ) I'll take care of it, ( and his vehemence has collapsed into a broken mutter. he doesn't even know how he's going to accomplish it, but if worst comes to worse, then he'll find a way. )
[ with memories of the mall disaster still fresh in her mind, she knows exactly what members of her team would do to someone like her. they've reached a point where she's only getting worse, and the one thing that might change that is a cure. even now, she knows Graham is right. he won't be able to find a cure, he can't protect her from getting worse. he'll look out for the people who can find a solution to all of this, and do his best to keep from having to put down the ones who've ended up like her.
she'd like him to be alive to do all of those things, though she realizes now how little his safety means to him. he's not asking for anything she wouldn't want, and yet.] Don't hate me.
[ the words tumble out faster than she can think them through, and she sighs at her own awareness of them. it isn't fair to ask for that, at least not on top of everything else. she just can't stand the way he he looks at her; the rough, miserable compliance that's already seeped into his tone. she can't think of any of this as running away, but that's something she's always been skilled at, isn't it?
she crosses her arms against her chest, lips pressed into a thin line for the moment it takes her to collect her thoughts.] I'm just - scared.
( Emma thinks it an unfair request, as if were all too easy to despise her for telling him something he doesn't want to hear. it doesn't work that way, he's not sure it ever could. she's foolish if she could imagine, even for a moment, that he could hate her. he's about as far from hating her as a man can get, and the fact he even knows who he is is plenty proof of that. his curse would not have broken for anything less.
Graham has been keeping intent distance, following a restriction that Emma asked for when she informed him she was intending to leave for quarantine. his automatic reaction to the slight hint of vulnerability is probably why she doesn't trust herself to stay, because he moves to close the distance, offer the support that has come all to easily to them since this cover has started. it's unclear whether pulling her nearer is to comfort her, or himself. )
I don't know how you think I possibly could. ( for some people, love and hate were a thin line. Graham doesn't know much about loving, he doesn't have a great deal of practice, yet he doesn't quite understand how the two could be similar. he doesn't like her current choice, granted, but it could never make him hate her. ) I'm scared too. ( he had been trying to ignore the possibility of how bad this could get, yet with it looming in the room around them — with their bed stretching empty every night — how could he be anything else? )
[ she's not strong enough to keep herself taking the comfort her offers. he starts toward her and Emma steps closer the moment he does, arms winding along either side of him and her head tucked against his shoulder. it's relief she feels guilty for, contact that chases away just enough of her anxiety to remind her of what she'll be losing in quarantine. he's kept her feeling human for the past few weeks, and it's too difficult to turn down that feeling when all she's noticed since her diagnosis are the fraying edges of her sanity.
she's seen how the virus twists even the strongest members of their team towards destruction, but letting him hold her only tempts Emma towards the options she can't allow. he's warm and strong and safe, a heartless man who certainly feels more alive than she does. she just wants to burrow closer, to drag him down against the couch and lie there until she knows whether or not hope for a cure even exists.]
If there was a way for me to stay, I would. You're my partner, I don't want to be away from you.
[ he won't stand a chance once the virus takes hold of her, it's the one thing she fears most. she'll be violent and angry at best, dangerous at worst, and there's no telling how her magic might manifest itself as she gets worse.
it means something to know that he wants to be with her, more than she's able to articulate when she's fighting back tears. he's not running, he's not looking out for himself. she's never had that with anyone before, and it hasn't felt like part of the mission in weeks.]
( that's where they're never going to agree, that there's no way for her to stay. that it'd be better if she left, that she'll protect him in some fashion if she stays away from him. that's just not how he sees it, and it'll never be how he sees it. he'd rather be with her through the worst, no matter the risks, because he knows for a fact that he can make it better on her.
she knows it for a fact, too, and yet her persistence to save him from herself is quite literally tearing them apart. )
There's a way for you to stay. You just won't. ( he'd been bitter, before. now he's just resigned. she's made her choice and he doesn't have any intention of fighting the point any more. he just won't pretend he doesn't completely disagree with her, either. it's odd, paired with the embrace. he's already given up on the prospect of her remaining, yet he won't retract the comfort and relief affection offers her. he doesn't want to, even in his unhappiness. ) I can't promise I won't go to quarantine. In fact I'm sure I will.
( he'll visit her there if she'll permit him. if she won't, well, that won't change the fact he still provides the quarantine with the supplies they need. he wouldn't stop going just because Emma wanted him to stay away from her. )
[ he's not wrong, she could stay. they could hope for the best, brace themselves. maybe she's not skilled enough in her magic for it to be a threat to him. he isn't infected for all the time they've spent being close to each other here, maybe he's immune to the bristol virus. but none of that changes what this takes away from her. her magic might not make her dangerous, he might not catch it from her, but she will only get worse.
she doesn't want him fighting for her once she's too far gone to be saved. it'd be too dangerous. this is personal for them, it's been that way all along, and the most she can do now is try to lessen some of the damage. she sighs, pulling back to keep from seeking comfort when she doesn't deserve it. if she said she was leaving, she needs to. all she's doing now is trying to make herself feel better, and it's comfort at his expense.]
I know. [ he'll help the quarantined, he'll even help her. she wouldn't expect less, and the nod seems to confirm it.] Be careful, Graham. That's all I want for you. [ that seems to be her cue, to grab the bag she's packed and to head for the door. she wants to look back, even admit she's made a mistake. it's not too late, is it?
in the end, she walks out anyway. she may not have spared him the hurt she wanted to, but if they both survive this, she'll deal with it later.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2017-03-23 06:24 am (UTC)( she may not see it that way, but isn't that what it boils down to? it was easier to accept when he thought it was only for short-term protection. it seems a crueler reality, now that he knows it's more than that. )
no subject
Date: 2017-03-23 06:31 am (UTC)But if they don't, I can't cost you your life a second time.
no subject
Date: 2017-03-23 06:36 am (UTC)you're not protecting me from getting infected, or sparing me any risk. it's all around us, Emma, and you choosing to suffer alone doesn't protect me from all of Woodhurst.
I'd rather take the risk than let you go through this alone.
no subject
Date: 2017-03-23 06:39 am (UTC)[ it doesn't protect him from Woodhurst, but it does protect him from someone in a state of decline.]
no subject
Date: 2017-03-23 06:58 am (UTC)the only thing you're protecting me from is being with you at your worst, and I don't want to be protected from that. I never will.
no subject
Date: 2017-03-23 07:08 am (UTC)ACTION
Date: 2017-03-26 07:24 pm (UTC)the lines of their cover story and their reality had a perilous habit of blending together. apparently even he had started to believe it was realer than it was.
he doesn't answer, he doesn't have anything left to offer to the conversation. the Huntsman has never been gifted at holding conversations when he doesn't like the topic, and saying he disliked their current conversation was a real understatement. for a heartless person who isn't meant to feel anything at all, it's pretty evident he's upset by the look on his face when he lets himself into the apartment that has been theirs. now he's not sure whose it is. at least Emma was true to her word, she hasn't left, it just doesn't make him feel much better.
with the possibility she could die, she would rather be away from him, even as he disowned the risk. it's her choice, of course it is. he just hates it. )
What is it you have for me? ( he's upset with her, but not even that is enough to ignore what she asked for. if she ends up being right about all this, he doesn't intend the last moments they have together to be stained any more than they already are. )
no subject
Date: 2017-03-26 08:15 pm (UTC)he knows she's never hurt him. she knows she'd never hurt him, yet the things she'd do in her right mind don't fully apply here. it's not just that she's deteriorating, she's a threat to his safety.] I -
[ she thought if he could see her, he'd understand. he doesn't, not if the look he gives her on the way in is any indication. she reaches for a sealed manilla envelope on the coffee table before she stands, since he doesn't seem to be in the mood to talk. might as well give him what he wants and make it quick.]
I need you to hold on to this for me.
[ there's no explanation of why, he already knows. if she doesn't make it through this mission, or the next, or the one after that, there are things she'd like to be able to say to her family. inside the envelope are a few letters, including one for him.]
I'm not planning on dying here, Graham. But I've never had to face the possibility anywhere else the way I have to now.
no subject
Date: 2017-03-27 12:48 am (UTC)he'd rather not hear her reasoning anymore, now that he's so aware it's fixed and unchanging, no matter what he has to say on the matter. Graham does not have any interest in fighting, or arguing. that part of him had disappeared some thirty years ago, when he'd been willing to attack a man for dishonoring an animal in his presence.
it's a lot harder to be combative when it's Emma on the other side of it. )
People generally don't write their last testament unless they expect the worst, Emma. ( he doesn't want to hold onto her goodbye letters, knowing what they represent. he pulls open his coat to place them in a pocket instead. it's a little more bearable when he doesn't have to look at them. )
no subject
Date: 2017-03-27 02:51 am (UTC)That's why I need you out there. If you're still fighting, then there's hope.
[ it won't comfort him, Emma's not so far gone that she can't see how this hurts him. it hurts her, too, but she thinks that just bleeds into everything else she's feeling; the anger, the disappointment, how all of her aches from trying to fight the virus. she'd rather be in his arms and she knows he's right - touch helps. all those nights they spent sharing a bed or a couch or a blanket on the floor, the mornings when she'd hit the snooze button to steal a few more minutes long after they were both awake; maybe all of that delayed this.
he's protected her for longer than he should have, a realization she's struggling with because she has to consider the possibility that he knew before she did. it's not the result that seems to surprise him, only what she's decided to do with it.]
I never wanted to ask this of you, but it had to be you. I trust you.
no subject
Date: 2017-03-28 09:16 pm (UTC)when it came down to it, there was nothing he could do, and then he'd let her go to die alone. the Charmings were sure to appreciate that knowledge. )
Fighting for what? I'm not going to make you better by staying on the streets. There's nothing I can do for you if you run away from me. ( there's a surprising amount of raw emotion in his voice, considering he's not supposed to be able to have any. it's been a lingering, growing frustration, knowing exactly how little he was doing to help those suffering from Bristol. now he feels that incapacity even stronger. at least before, he could tell he'd helped Emma a little. once she was gone, there'd be nothing.
nothing but the reminder that she was choosing to protect him from herself, no matter how badly he did not want her to. ) I'll take care of it, ( and his vehemence has collapsed into a broken mutter. he doesn't even know how he's going to accomplish it, but if worst comes to worse, then he'll find a way. )
no subject
Date: 2017-03-28 09:49 pm (UTC)she'd like him to be alive to do all of those things, though she realizes now how little his safety means to him. he's not asking for anything she wouldn't want, and yet.] Don't hate me.
[ the words tumble out faster than she can think them through, and she sighs at her own awareness of them. it isn't fair to ask for that, at least not on top of everything else. she just can't stand the way he he looks at her; the rough, miserable compliance that's already seeped into his tone. she can't think of any of this as running away, but that's something she's always been skilled at, isn't it?
she crosses her arms against her chest, lips pressed into a thin line for the moment it takes her to collect her thoughts.] I'm just - scared.
no subject
Date: 2017-03-29 01:56 am (UTC)Graham has been keeping intent distance, following a restriction that Emma asked for when she informed him she was intending to leave for quarantine. his automatic reaction to the slight hint of vulnerability is probably why she doesn't trust herself to stay, because he moves to close the distance, offer the support that has come all to easily to them since this cover has started. it's unclear whether pulling her nearer is to comfort her, or himself. )
I don't know how you think I possibly could. ( for some people, love and hate were a thin line. Graham doesn't know much about loving, he doesn't have a great deal of practice, yet he doesn't quite understand how the two could be similar. he doesn't like her current choice, granted, but it could never make him hate her. ) I'm scared too. ( he had been trying to ignore the possibility of how bad this could get, yet with it looming in the room around them — with their bed stretching empty every night — how could he be anything else? )
no subject
Date: 2017-03-29 04:28 am (UTC)she's seen how the virus twists even the strongest members of their team towards destruction, but letting him hold her only tempts Emma towards the options she can't allow. he's warm and strong and safe, a heartless man who certainly feels more alive than she does. she just wants to burrow closer, to drag him down against the couch and lie there until she knows whether or not hope for a cure even exists.]
If there was a way for me to stay, I would. You're my partner, I don't want to be away from you.
[ he won't stand a chance once the virus takes hold of her, it's the one thing she fears most. she'll be violent and angry at best, dangerous at worst, and there's no telling how her magic might manifest itself as she gets worse.
it means something to know that he wants to be with her, more than she's able to articulate when she's fighting back tears. he's not running, he's not looking out for himself. she's never had that with anyone before, and it hasn't felt like part of the mission in weeks.]
no subject
Date: 2017-04-01 11:28 pm (UTC)she knows it for a fact, too, and yet her persistence to save him from herself is quite literally tearing them apart. )
There's a way for you to stay. You just won't. ( he'd been bitter, before. now he's just resigned. she's made her choice and he doesn't have any intention of fighting the point any more. he just won't pretend he doesn't completely disagree with her, either. it's odd, paired with the embrace. he's already given up on the prospect of her remaining, yet he won't retract the comfort and relief affection offers her. he doesn't want to, even in his unhappiness. ) I can't promise I won't go to quarantine. In fact I'm sure I will.
( he'll visit her there if she'll permit him. if she won't, well, that won't change the fact he still provides the quarantine with the supplies they need. he wouldn't stop going just because Emma wanted him to stay away from her. )
no subject
Date: 2017-04-10 03:45 am (UTC)she doesn't want him fighting for her once she's too far gone to be saved. it'd be too dangerous. this is personal for them, it's been that way all along, and the most she can do now is try to lessen some of the damage. she sighs, pulling back to keep from seeking comfort when she doesn't deserve it. if she said she was leaving, she needs to. all she's doing now is trying to make herself feel better, and it's comfort at his expense.]
I know. [ he'll help the quarantined, he'll even help her. she wouldn't expect less, and the nod seems to confirm it.] Be careful, Graham. That's all I want for you. [ that seems to be her cue, to grab the bag she's packed and to head for the door. she wants to look back, even admit she's made a mistake. it's not too late, is it?
in the end, she walks out anyway. she may not have spared him the hurt she wanted to, but if they both survive this, she'll deal with it later.]